Patients are celebrities

Working in the hospital has taught me a few things about myself, medical students and life in general. I have gotten over the initial shock of walking into a patient's room and "acting" like I'm a real doctor. Sometimes, I can even answer some of the patients questions without consulting my Attending.

Through this all, I have realized that the patients are the celebs in this whole game. (life in itself is a game, innit?). However, just like typical Hollywood/nollywood life, there are grades of celebs. doubt it? just ask Paris Hilton!

The D list Celeb

These are the patients that typically come in to the clinic. You would most likely find them in your regular family practice clinic or the pediatric outpatient clinic. They are usually there for the well child visit, medication refill, annual physical, and those type of things.

9 out of 10 times, nothing is wrong with them, and the history and physical exam shows nothing.

That's a good thing, right?

wrong!

wrong, because to the averag medical student, these patients are boring. I mean, if I wanted to listen to a normal heart or lung I could listen to mine or my roommates' right?

ok, I'm kidding. You also learn a lot from these people, because by the time you've listened to your 50th normal heart or lung, when you finally hear that one abnormal one, you instantly recognize it!. So i guess D list celebs are good for something afterall!

C list celebs

More interesting than D list celebs are the C list celebs. You also mostly find them in outpatient clinics or your regular primary care setting. They are the ones that come in with a complaint. there's actually something wrong with them yay! (i know, i know, this job messes u up)

However, (there has to be a catch, right?) their chief complaint is usually something along the lines of fever, cough, runny nose, diarrhea - pretty much mostly stuff that's common.

Fortunately, C list cases are the type that frequently show up on your exam, and I have mine in a little less than 2 weeks. oh well...

B list

These are the people that come in with a textbook case of a particular illness. Like a guy who comes in with some major congestive heart failure. You hear the crackles in the lungs, you actually feel an enlarged liver, maybe he even has some ascites, and at the point where you're almost about to pass out from orgasmic joy, you listen to his heart and you do hear a murmur. sweet!

The icing on the cake is if your patient is actually a good historian. He tells you step by step everything that happened, and in your head you can mentally check off everything you hear.

I had my very first B list celeb a few weeks ago: A little boy that was admitted for elevated blood lead levels. sweet thing was he actually lived in a house that was constructed in the 1940s and the house was currently under renovation.

A list

yeah, saved the best for last.

The ultimate A list patient is the one that has this very rare disorder that you've only read about in textbooks, but nobody sees. The type that the incidence is probably 1 in 10,000. Even seasoned physicians get excited when they see an A list patient - the type of patient that you only see one or two cases (maybe four) in your entire 20 years career.

I haven't come across my A list celebrity patient yet, but when I do, I"ll be sure to let you guys know!