Stranger's balls, Church and Vagina. (do not read while eating, you've been warned!)

There are a few memorable moments from each year of medical school. In first year, the moment you meet your first cadaver, make your first incision, and of course the moment you’re done with first year. In second year, it’s the USMLE, your first meaningful patient contact and your first GTU experience. I had one of my own memorable moments a couple of weeks back- my GenitoUrinary Exam.

The GTU exam is when you actually get to perform a genitourinary exam on your first live patient. The patients are trained professionals (professional patients? Professional actors?) to teach you the process as you perform the exam on them.

On this particular sunday, I donned my white coat as usual, left my stethoscope, put on the same heels from the last post and made my way to the hospital. There were three of us assigned to the patient- Two girls and a guy.

The first patient I saw was a female. She was already there sitting on the examining table. I was nervous at first, but after a while I relaxed and got into it. We did the breast exam first, and then we did the vaginal exam, and the rectal exam. We even got to put a speculum in!

How many speculums can you have inserted inside you in the span of two hours? We all did it once, I mean its not painful or anything, but there were two groups, meaning at least six students. Like one wise man once said, “She dey take am like professional”.

Anyways, we were done in about two hours. The only highlight of the exam was that she made me cut my nails before inserting my fingers in her vagina. Yea, so my wonderful nails are goneeee!!!!

So my female patient was done, and it was time for the male patient. I was more nervous than scared. I mean, its not like I haven’t seen a naked male before, but handling a stranger was just too uncomfortable for me to imagine. We first started, by looking for lymph nodes and soon it was time to do the penile exam.

Father Lord, please don’t let him have an erection while I’m doing the penile exam!

I went second, and while I was examining him, he started to have an erection (which is normal, you perverts! Lol)

There are very few awkward moments that you would remember for the rest of your life. Like the moment you were stuck holding a random stranger’s ball for more almost a minute while the rest of the people in the room carry on a conversation. It was time to examine the testicles, and Mr. John had suggested that I go first, just as I put my hands to his balls, infact, I was already cradling it in my hand when one of my partners chose that inopportune time to ask a question!

So do I drop it like its hot?

Or hold on while he asked his question and Mr John answered?

Neways, I ended up doing the latter. All the while I’m thinking:

Great! Instead of being at church getting my praise on, I’m here holding a stranger’s balls minutes after digging through another stranger’s vagina. Happy Sabbath day!

For some reason, I couldn’t get the testicles to hold still in my hands. He had to show me twice before I finally could do a reasonable maneuver. Eventually I had to do it with both hands.

“You hold it like this and roll it between ur hands”

My troubles were far from over. Next on the agenda was the Digital rectal exam. My plan was to go second so I could see what the person in front of me did. Mr John had a different plan.

“Bumight, why don’t you go first?”

So I put a lot of lubricant on my finger, spread his cheeks and inserted my hand up his anus. Turned my hands 180 degrees clockwise, 270 degrees counterclockwise to feel his prostate and it was over. He said I did well!

Plus, I actually felt his prostate!!! So my first digital rectal exam was not as bad as I thought it would be, it was over in less than 45 seconds.

So, I don’t think got a good handle on the testicular exams, plus I think I might need more practice with the Digital rectal exams, any volunteers? LOL!